


S in Suga stands for Shy

by alittleharder



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Canon Compliant, Cultural Differences, Drinking, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Tags May Change, Takes place right after debut, baby gay problems, being a shy kitteh, but its sweet and hopeful, introvert problems, kiss is all you get in this one, may add a chap later, may not im mercurial, min kitty is an unreliable narrator, mostly about being lonely and coming to terms with shit thats hard, ot7 not getting along is all subjective, smoking weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 11:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22495576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittleharder/pseuds/alittleharder
Summary: Yoongi is feeling lonely when he gets invited to Mark's apartment. Takes place in 2013.Namjoon is a translator-troll and I love him.
Relationships: Min Yoongi | Suga/Mark Tuan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	S in Suga stands for Shy

**Author's Note:**

> Igots I took real liberty with Mark here, please forgive if this is really OOC :/ He sort of fit my purposes really well and I love him, even though I lack knowledge. 
> 
> This is set after BTS debut, before GOT7 debut. 
> 
> And even though it's more expensive to buy in Seoul, apartments are half the cost of ones in LA. Weird right? Let's all move there!

Yoongi was lonely. 

It was an odd thing to admit to himself, as the emotion he felt most often, after the constant anxious energy that accompanied every practice and performance, was the deep need to be alone. He loved to be alone. The members were forced to live together in a matchbox-sized apartment, that was too loud, too cramped and was never clean. It had made him forget what privacy even felt like. He had established with the members as much distance as he could, sitting curled up in the corner of the living room in the few spare hours they had at home, scribbling in his notebook and looking at anyone who approached him with a cold glare. The members learned to leave him alone, as much as was possible, and each inch of space he got to himself was precious. Not that he didn’t like the others, he did, but all of them seemed to enjoy talking and playing in their downtime when Yoongi just wanted to rest and be able to think his own thoughts. 

Now that they had debuted, and were for the first time becoming comfortable with the idea that they would be together for a couple of years at least, he saw the downside of pushing the other members away. Friendships had formed and solidified. Their routines had settled. Yoongi had tried so hard to get space in the beginning, he now lived like a ghost; in the same place and time as the others, but unseen. 

It wasn’t malicious. He knew the other members’ attitude to him was something he created himself. The need to be alone was constant his whole life and in school, he barely made friends as that need seemed more important. But he was old enough now to see the flaw in being so good at pushing people away. Every time a few weeks had passed in a newly formed class, friendships would be established and cliques became impenetrable. In school, you at least had the opportunity for the classes to change each year, but with Bangtan he had started to fear that he’s missed his chance to get close to the people he would be stuck with for the foreseeable future. Unless their group failed. Both prospects were shitty. 

If there was some way to break the ice with the members he wasn’t sure what it was. Such things did not come naturally to him. Ironically he felt closest to the other members when they were in front of a camera. As Suga he forced himself to try to be funny, charming and friendly. He was teasing and playful and eventually it became natural. He could drop his guise of cold disinterest and become a better, friendlier version of himself. Someone close to how he felt but was too shy to express. It was freeing. His affection could be let out and despite how exhausting their schedule was, he was revitalized by these moments of performed friendship. 

But at home, he fell back into his usual pattern. At first, he had been protecting his space but now he felt too awkward to approach the others at home. His expression often became somber more out of a fear of saying the wrong thing than a desire for space. He kept pushing the members further away and could see no way to stop. 

The first day off they had in a month, the older members were all going out. Namjoon and Hoseok were going to a club to meet a few trainees they had made friends with before debut, and Seokjin was going home to ‘play Mario for twenty-four hours’. The maknaes’ had homework to catch up on, but he knew they would end playing video games and generally making the apartment a wasteland of snack wrappers and pent-up teenagers and he was pretty desperate to be anywhere else. He even considered going to his old part-time job to just give himself something to do, but as the members shuffled home the night before their day off, he got a text. 

_American: Sup Yoongi. Want to drink tomorrow?_

_Min Meow Meow: How’d you know?_

_American: Our puppy has been bragging about going to some club with his man-crush Namjoon, so I guessed you guys had the night off._

_Min Meow Meow: Ha. Namjoon has that effect on his dongsaengs. Until they get to know him._

_American: Haha. Mean, Yoongi._

_Min Meow Meow: I didn’t mean it like that…_

_American: Sure you didn’t._

_Min Meow Meow: I didn’t._

_American: Okay, I believe you hold your dear leader in the greatest esteem. How about we meet earlier. My parents are still paying the lease on my apartment and we can discuss Namjoon’s many virtues while hanging out, blissfully dongsaeng-free._

_Min Meow Meow: You have a separate apartment? Fuck I’m jealous._

_American: I sleep in the dorm for the most part, but sometimes it’s nice to get alone time._

_Min Meow Meow: Extremely jealous._

_American: Ha. You in?_

_Min Meow Meow: Are you kidding? If I had any money I might pay to come over._

_American: Good. See you then._

Mark sent his address and Yoongi fell asleep easily, worries dashed by his plan to actually spend time with someone his own age. Even if he had strange manners and spoke terrible Korean, he was one of those few people that made him feel calmer just being in the same room. Mark was hard to offend and found formality stifling. Although they were different Yoongi tended to relax around him, his usual cold demeanor dropping away. Mark didn’t really care how he acted, and he figured Mark liked that he didn’t treat him with the careful politeness of a dongsaeng. Really Yoongi had little else to offer so he was grateful for the invitation. 

By the time he found himself buzzing Mark’s doorbell, Yoongi had forgotten his relief and felt nervous again. He started chewing on his thumb while he waited wondering if he bought enough soju and if Americans expected people to bring gifts the first time you visited their home. Or was that Japanese people? He bit a little too hard and tasted copper. 

Mark opened the door dressed in loose sweats and smiling wide. “Yoongi! Come on in, man.”

Yoongi couldn’t help but smile. He had forgotten how loud and warm Mark’s voice was in person.

Mark grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. He gestured to some guest slippers and Yoongi pulled off his shoes. The apartment was stylish, though small. As he came into the main room he saw that it had a loft bedroom and tall windows that looked out at the surrounding cityscape. It was a nicer place than he had ever lived in and Mark didn’t even live in it full time. Yoongi brought his thumb back up to his mouth and Mark’s eyes got wide. 

“You’re bleeding.” Mark took Yoongi’s hand to look at his thumb. 

“Oh, I do that all the time.”

Mark gave a lopsided grin. “That’s probably bad.”

Yoongi shrugged and Mark snorted. “Do you want a bandaid?”

“I’m okay.” 

“Okay.” Mark kept hold of Yoongi’s hand and dragged him over to a new looking couch. “I’m glad you’re here. I was getting bored.”

Yoongi grinned wide, comforted by Mark’s easy candor. “I brought soju.” Yoongi placed his bag on the coffee table in front of them. 

“Good. We’ll need it.” Mark relaxed back, propping his feet up on the table. He wasn’t wearing slippers, his feet bare, but everything in the apartment was meticulously clean. He wondered how rich exactly Mark’s parents were, for a trainee to live so well. 

“Like my place?” 

“It’s amazing. You must be really rich.”

Mark sputtered into a laugh. “Not really. Just have generous parents. Apartments here are pretty cheap.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows went up. “In Seoul? Seriously?”

“Well I’m from LA, so yeah. Cheap is relative.” Mark smirked. “The nice part of LA.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “I knew you were some chaebol.”

Mark gave a mock scowl and nudged Yoongi’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

Yoongi was giggling as he settled into Mark’s body, leaning on him companionably. The warmth of his body was comforting. Mark grinned and wrapped an arm around Yoongi’s shoulders. It was normal for Americans to be touchy, he figured. 

They fell into a conversation, complaining about endless practices and Yoongi trying not to rub in how much better it was to be debuted and working than it was to be in training. Mark whined about how hard it was to figure out to be the oldest when age had so little importance to him, and Yoongi tried to sympathize. Yoongi let Mark vent with little of his own contribution, just enjoying his friend’s easy manner. 

Mark ordered noodles and insisted on paying, and Yoongi opened up the soju. They put on the TV but kept the volume low and talked through most of the drama that was on. After his third glass, Yoongi felt the alcohol kick in all at once. His shyness was gone, replaced by giddiness. Mark’s jokes, usually a bit left of center to be funny, seemed hilarious. He was laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath. Mark was blushed red, eyes sparkling as he told his elaborate anecdotes, his voice overly loud and boisterous. At the punchline Yoongi fell in laughter, stumbling and falling into Mark’s lap. He looked up at his friend’s amused, slightly blurry eyes and wanted to stay there. Mark was stroking his back and it felt so nice Yoongi wondered if he was sleepy or just happy. 

He wanted to reach out, the way Mark did. So he did, now drunk enough. But his aim was off. Instead of friendly leg squeeze, Yoongi found his hand reaching up to stroke Mark’s cheek, his eyes still affixed on his friend’s. Mark’s expression changed from mirth to curiosity. 

Yoongi didn’t know what possessed him to move closer, maybe he was trying to understand what made his Mark’s eyes shine so prettily. But soon their faces were inches away and Yoongi could feel his heart begin to sprint. Mark kissed him, his lips warm and confident and for a few seconds, Yoongi realized that it was exactly what he wanted before he came to his senses and fell off the couch in his haste to get away. 

Mark’s eyes got big as Yoongi stood up, nearly tripping over his own feet. “Was that-- Are you okay?”

“Fine. Sorry. I’m fine. That was. I didn’t mean to.”

Mark gave a sigh. “Right. Here we go.”

Yoongi’s face was so hot he brought his cold fingers up to his cheeks to cool them. “I’m really sorry, Mark-shi. I don’t know what I was--”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Yoongi, sit down.”

Yoongi sat on the edge of the couch and bit his lip. 

“First of all, stop apologizing. I kissed you, remember.”

Yoongi nodded, unable to look Mark in the eye. “But I shouldn’t have… leaned.”

Mark gave a humorless chuckle. “Right. Because leaning might be interpreted as gay?”

“I’m not gay.”

“Of course you’re not.” Mark groaned and looked at the ceiling. “God, did you bring me to Korea to teach the locals how to gay? Fuck me,” he said in English. 

“Are you angry?” Yoongi was kicking himself, maybe ruining his only friendship with his strange compulsions. He didn’t understand Mark’s words but he knew ‘gay’ and ‘fuck’ and thought he was probably furious. 

But Mark’s expression softened. “Yoongi, I know you’re scared, but I’m not offended. I wanted to kiss you because I’m attracted to you and thought you felt the same. If I was wrong, I’m the one who’s sorry. But is it possible I was right?”

Yoongi turned to him, his lip continued to be tortured by his teeth. “You’re attracted to me? So you are, um--”

Mark nodded. “Gay? Yeah, I am. And where I come from it’s not that big of a deal. Not like here.”

“Oh.” Yoongi scowled. “I didn’t know.”

Mark smirked. “Well I can’t really be out here, can I? But believe me, if I was back home and not trying to be an idol, I would be out.” Mark seemed to whisper to himself. “And I would never date a baby gay again, praise Jesus.”

“What?” Yoongi’s voice was too high and he cleared his throat in embarrassment. 

“Nothing. It’s just I’ve met a few guys in Korea who have talked about how hard it was to accept that they are attracted to men. They feel a lot of shame. And they don’t want it to be true, so they pretend, sometimes for years, that it will go away. That they will wake up one morning and be attracted to women and not flush every time their male friends cuddle them. Sad thing is that it doesn’t work. You can’t wish being gay away.”

Yoongi was breathing hard, hearing Mark’s words through the pounding of his own heart. “I can’t be gay.”

Mark didn’t say anything but nodded. He seemed detached now as if bored and a little sad. It made Yoongi feel self-conscious. He was sure he seemed so old-fashioned to Mark’s American eyes. 

“I’m not totally unfamiliar with people being gay. I know that there are people like that, and I don’t mind or anything. I just, uh, I’m not sure I feel that way. I’m probably just drunk.”

“It’s okay Yoongi. I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable. And if you could keep what I told you between us I’d really appreciate it.”

“Of course. I would never tell anyone.”

Mark gave a sad smile. “We idols have to stick together right?”

Yoongi felt pained. He was making Mark sad and it felt wrong. It felt far sadder than it should like Yoongi was doing something cruel. He wanted to make that sadness disappear along with the terrible tightness in his chest. 

He tentatively reached out for Mark’s hand with shaking fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“Yoongi stop.”

Yoongi pulled Mark’s hand closer. “Please don’t stop being my friend.”

Mark huffed a laugh. “Why would I? I’m not mad that you’re not interested in me. You think I’m that petty?”

“No. You’re always kind to me. You’re a good friend.”

Mark squeezed his hand briefly before pulling away. “But do me a favor and stop being so cute, okay?” He stood and went over to the kitchen, pulling out a metal coffee canister from the freezer. “I’m going to get high. Want to join?”

Yoongi’s eyes got big. “Really?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t usually bother as the weed here is dank as hell, but my idiot best friend actually mailed me 10 ounces of beautiful California bud and somehow the package made it through customs. And I feel like chilling out. Interested?”

Yoongi was nodding, but he hadn’t really considered whether this was a bad idea or not. His curiosity was currently outweighing his caution. 

Mark picked a plastic baggy from the coffee grounds and pulled out a pre-rolled joint. “Be careful with this, it’s pretty strong.” He lit the joint and sucked at it to get it lit. He took a long drag, letting out a huge cloud. Yoongi came over to where he stood and Mark offered the joint to him and he took it carefully, mimicking Mark’s drag. He instantly choked on the intense smoke as burned down his throat. He been expecting something like a cigarette and instead found the smoke harsher. 

Mark giggled. “You’re going to get so high?”

Yoongi was still coughing. “Why?”

“You coughed. It opens up all your lung capillaries. Or something.”

Yoongi nodded, but he didn’t really understand the word he used. He took another drag when his coughing came back under control, and this time managed to breath it in normally. 

He handed it back to Mark and they both went back to the couch, sitting side by side without touching. It didn’t take long before the joint was burned out. Yoongi wondered if he was supposed to feel different and watched Mark carefully. 

“Can I kiss you?” Yoongi said. 

Mark laughed. “You got high so fast, man.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, you did. I’m a gentleman, so let’s not kiss while you’re high. But maybe try to figure out that whole gay thing and get back to me. You’re really hot Min Yoongi.”

Yoongi leaned his head back on the couch. “I think you can kiss boys and not be gay. It’s like a special, you know, straight plus. Straight with a few exceptions. That has to be a thing, right?”

“I mean everything’s a thing, Yoon. Sorry if I don’t seem convinced. I’ve seen this movie a few times already.”

Yoongi turned to him confused. “What movie?”

Mark giggled. “Why are you so cute? Fuck. You’re killing me Yoongi.”

Yoongi smiled. “I think you’re face is very symmetrical.”

“You are so high. I mean who am I kidding, so am I. This shit is great. God bless my idiot bestie.”

Yoongi smiled. “Your face is really pretty.”

“Yoongi, you’re torturing me. You have to stop.”

Yoongi giggled. “How am I torturing you, I can’t even reach you.” Yoongi put out his hand and easily touched Mark’s chest. “Oh. You were closer than I thought.”

Mark laughed uproariously. “But I’m not as high as you.” He pulled Yoongi’s back onto his chest. “We can do platonic cuddling only. Anything else would be unladylike.”

“‘Kay.” Yoongi settled back, making himself comfortable. “I like cuddling. My members are always cuddling, but not with me.”

“Really? I thought you got along with them really well.”

“They’re afraid of me.”

Mark snorted. “But your too adorable to be scary.”

Yoongi was somber. “I’m like ice. An ice king. In my ice cave. On ice mountain.”

“I think you mean ice queen.” Mark’s eyes shined as he burst into laughter at his own joke. 

Yoongi shrugged, not really getting it. “I think they probably hate me. But, like, they are so nice they are good at hiding it. I mean they are such good kids you know. And Jin-hyung, he’s so beautiful, it’s kind of surreal. And Namjoon is so smart. And Hobi, he’s so smooth like he moves like water. It’s magical. And the maknaes are all good kids. Music is my only friend and they all shine so brightly my eyes get tired. Do you know what that’s like?”

Mark nodded, his humor having fallen away. “I do. My members are little shits, but I love them. Don’t ever tell them.”

“You’re lucky. You’re so strong and confident. And pretty. I wish I was you.”

Mark brushed Yoongi’s cheek, mesmerized. “You are seriously so fucking adorable. Jesus.”

Yoongi gave a gummy smile. “I am not.” 

“You are. You’re beautiful.” Mark sighed. 

“That’s insane. You are. Jinnie is. All my members are. Not me, I’m ordinary.”

“You are totally wrong. God, why does that make you cuter?”

Yoongi gave Mark’s chest a playful smack that landed too hard. “Flirt.”

“You’re cruel, Min Yoongi. Very cruel.” Yoongi wondered if he meant it, but Mark was still smiling, eyes glassy and soft. “You definitely don’t wish you were me. We haven’t debuted and dating already sucks as it is. I have yet to gain entrance to the gay idol group chat, and I’m lonely all the time.”

“Me too. I’m lonely all the time, too.”

“Why aren’t you friends with your members.”

Yoongi shrugged. “I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll like them too much. They are all-- I just really love them.”

Mark frowned. “That sucks. I hate how cute my members are. Good thing they are so annoying or might feel the same way.” Mark smiled big. “So who’s your favorite? Who’s your secret crush?”

“Nobody! I’m not doing that. It’s bad.”

Mark grabbed Yoongi’s jaw and pulled his face closer. “It’s not bad okay. It’s not bad to be gay and it’s not bad to have a crush. Try to remember that, Yoongi. You’re not bad.”

Yoongi gave a mild smile. “Thanks. You are really nice.”

“I’m not. I’m not that nice. I’d rather get high with you than let you just reject me and leave. Living in Korea is hard.”

“Oh. But did I reject you?”

“Yeah, remember how I kissed you and then you said you weren’t gay? That was a rejection. I’m kind of sad about it, actually.”

Yoongi giggled bringing his hands to cover his mouth. “I lied. I think I might be a little gay. I like your butt.”

Mark laughed with his head thrown back. “You say that now.”

“I’ll prove it. Let’s make out.”

Mark shook his head. “Um, you’re making it hard on me and it’s rude.”

“But I want to prove it,” Yoongi whined. 

“Then tell me who your member crush is. No lying.”

Yoongi put his finger to his mouth, trying to be cute. “Um. Seokjin. Easily. And Hobi is like a bit dangerous and I’ve dreamed about him. And Namjoon is so smart sometimes I’m jealous and other times I want to kiss his cute dimples. And Jimin has an amazing ass, but I feel bad every time I notice because he has the face of a middle-schooler. And Tae and Kookie are also babies. But so cute it makes you die inside sometimes. And they’re good and work hard and only annoying most of the time. But I forgive them because I love them more than anyone I ever loved before.”

Mark was staring, lips parted. “Wow. You’re really screwed, aren’t you?”

Yoongi nodded. “Totally screwed. I love them and I might be gay and I’ll never tell them and be lonely forever.”

“Add drama queen to ice queen.”

“What?”

Mark patted Yoongi’s face gently. “It’s okay to have affection for your members. It will be okay. And I bet someday you could even tell them that you’re you know, maybe a little gay or whatever you said. Even if you’ll never date any of them, you can be friends with them, Yoongi.”

“Maybe.” Yoongi looked unconvinced. He grabbed Mark’s hand before he pulled it away and stroked his fingers gently. “But maybe they would hate me more.”

“I don’t think they hate you. But maybe you could reach out a little more. You’re older than most of them, maybe try to be friends. You never know you could be the next Big Bang and stay together for a decade. You’re going to need to be friends with them.” 

Yoongi intertwined their fingers. “Hmm, maybe.” He snuggled back into Mark with a contented smile. “But next time I come over we should make out.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am thinking of a second chapter but I am just getting back into writing after a long period of block so I won't make any promises. I need to work on my old fics and have so little motivation. Sigh. Whine. Pout. 
> 
> Anyways, it's my favorite theme! Internalized Homophobia! Yay, so fun much joy. Why do I write about this ALL THE TIME???? Hahahhaha . who knows tehe. I promise I start out writing about cute smutty things and get here instead. Like every time. Thank god for fanfiction therapy amiright?


End file.
